Ipsum Idiot

I get this bubble of rage. I go wild. I feel like imploding. I don’t know how to control myself. It happens too quickly and next thing I know is that am blind. Pitch blackness. Am groping wildly in the cold, gaping abyss of disorientation. I slam my right foot on the brake pedal and the 3Litre petrol engine shudders against the violent grip of the Brembo brake pads on discs causing the piece of supreme Japanese engineering to slightly veer to a halt. The dust slowly settles and I start to regain my sight. My heart rate is way over 10,000 beats per 5 seconds. This makes me feel like a humming bird. I flex my fists over and over again and without thinking….oh, how do you think when your brain has switched places with your balls? The trouble with balls is that they will pump adrenaline in all the wrong places in your body. Balls will give you wings but you will not take flight with balls wings…those wings will only have you wobble into hams way. With my balls up my head, I pull out my red and yellow rigger hand gloves as the fool in the old UAL silver Toyota Ipsum hurriedly jack-knifes into the space ahead of me and slobbers out of the car in a whirlwind of fury. I love fools. Fools see in black and white only. I had regained some of my sanity after noticing that the damage on my right fender could be fixed without much trouble. I step out of the car and I could see steam wafting out of the fool’s nostrils. My babe in the passenger seat starts to scream something but I couldn’t hear what she was trying to say. I slightly duck down and emerge with a strong right hook that meets the fool’s chin in mid air and spins him over 45 degrees sending him sprawling on the ground. That made me feel like Moses Golola after knocking out Titus Tugume. I felt like Mike Tyson in 1985 after knocking the crap out of Hector Mercedes. Heaving and hankering for more action, am disappointed that the fool promised a lot less than he could deliver. I wanted a lot more action to compensate for the trouble he caused. Unleashing an avalanche of more blows, kicks and spits would have been worth the Ugx. 250.000 loss the fool had caused me. I wanted to knock his jaws back and stuff his jelly-filled head up his ruggedy ass but here I was standing over the drooling mutt as he fizzed and sputtered like a small ugly fish out of water. What is it about the Toyota Ipsums that gets even the most cultured men thinking like taxi drivers and conductor’s? A survey completed by the Helping Hand foundation last year revealed that 80% of the accidents recorded statewide were involving Toyota Ipsums and Toyota Noahs and of this lot, 60% of the after accident investigations revealed that the Ipsum and Naoh drivers were in fault. The Northern by Pass in Kampala has become the beehive for untold carnage arising from the folly of Ipsum drivers. My heart goes out t all those innocent Ugandans that have lost lives, limbs and livelihoods from the Ipsum drivers idiocy. I spat my fury out on the chicken-crut-piece of garbage Ipsum driver under my feet and slammed the door of my Elephant ride and sped off. If you drive an Ipsum or Naoh, watch out for me. My left hook is your nemesis and until you learn some manners and display acceptable courtesies on public roads, I will knock you the fuck out!