The Village in Them

Fear a boy from a village. These boys get to Kampala and run mad. They act like Golola each time media cameras are in view. Stay away from Kampala boys, they are ill-bred ignoramus butts who take loans to buy second hand cars to impress cunt-slinging, big-butt-empty headed girls. Make no friendship with short men that drive big cars but still pay residential rent. Such short men are arrogant, insecure and more often than nary have low esteem. Do not bear company with those long legged, arrogant Banyankole/Bahima men, they will corrupt your good morals. They never achieve anything by merit. Corruption, sectarianism and tribalism is what defines them. Stay away from them. Acholi girls are violent. They will beat the shit out of you if they ever catch you hugging another girl who isn’t them. They will fight your momma, your ex or your pastor as long as they get the conviction that they have to! Acholi men are romantic and they fuck thoroughly too. They are proud and short-tempted though. They are mean, secretive bastards too. Them boys from West Nile are darker than inside of a high school kitchen and so are their girls. They believe in force and violence and will apply such principles of anarchy and brute force anywhere, anytime. A Muganda man is loving and caring but super dishonest. They will lie to you on your wedding day on the pulpit and in the presence of your Reverend and your family before he fucks your aunt at the back of the same church. He will love money and other women more than you. A very good Muganda husband will most likely be the ugly, large-nosed, uneducated one. The Baganda girls are smooth operators who will kneel before along Kampala road and scream your name so loud when you make love. These bitches never shut the fuck up! They will be as dishonest as a Munyankole man during the polls under the current government and as shrewd as Jennifer Musisi in any money related dealing. We are plagued with Rwandese girls. These will kill you for a TV, Techno Smart phone or bulging wallet full of business cards. The Mutooro man will love you and show you heaven and purgatory but you won’t be the only one he will give this treat. He will take your mother to heaven without a condom and come back for your aunt and your friends and in-laws too. He will operate from your marital bed to carry out all these acts of valor(sic). The Mutooro girl will sing with the purity and beauty of angels on Judgment day and twerk like Miley Cyrus just for your pants to go down before you make it make it rain on her. She will squirt like a fountain and cry like a virgin but she will smile and kiss you good bye and marry your Uncle on your birthday. The Munyooro will make you take vows in church and in the presence of the whole Bunyoro Kitara Kingdom but she will bewitch you as an insurance policy. He will bewitch her too and they will live their lives in and out of the shrine. The Musoga will fuck you up for life! The Mugishu will love you, nature you and then eat you on your 29th anniversary. The Mukiga will not fight you. The Mukiga will deform you. The Mukiga will beat you while you sleep on your honeymoon. You will know the definition of oppression and domestic violence from the Mukiga. The Muhima will teach you to love and appreciate dirt and laziness. You will endure a wet bed and extra large butt and coochie from the Muhima. You will love cows and the smell of dung and cow gee all your life. The Mukonzo will make you migrate from Kampala to the nearest fishing village. You will farm Cassava and fish for all your days. You’ll need no lotion or deodorant. Fish and Cassava will do. The Itesots will nag you out of your skin. They will copy and try and act like the Baganda but they will always end up bringing atapa into every single aspect of your life.The man will drink ajono and abuse you and your children every night while the woman will run away to Kamapala and trade in coochie. . They will burden you with their extended families until kingdom come…This satire is driving me nuts, allow me to digress.
I hate these silly girls who go out every night and perform so poorly at work that they change jobs very now and again. I hate girls who wear weaves with obscene colours, those low life cunts that will fuck a hajji with four wives for smart phone. I hate those chics who wear borrowed mini-dresses and go to Liquid silk and drink Mirinda Fruity only to ask for bailey’s when you offer them a drink. I hate ugly chics who have an ugly attitude. I loathe these boys who use supplements, go the gym and wear blouses. I hate boys who fight and kill each other in bars for an old, bow-legged, bleached skin, piranha of a woman. I disrespect old men who wear Malachi shoes, Vipi underwear and still date young girls. Those fools who pop Viagra and chew mirondo full time and they can hardly keep a fuck going for 10 straight minutes. I hate those stinking Hajji’s who buy Ipsums and Spacio’s for small girls only to make them their side kicks. I hate Pastors who fuck the sheep they pastor. They fuck children in Sunday school and their mothers in Mother’s union and choir. I Loathe these money lenders and brokers who wear trousers up their necks or those pregnant mothers who wear jeans and leggings. I love those girls who are decent and work hard every day and love one man at a time. I love girls who pay their own bills and drive their own cars. I love girls who love God and respect themselves and others. I love married couples who are faithful to each other. I respect HIV positive people who take their medicines and behave responsibly. I adore the Muslims who respect the teachings of the Quran and live by them. I identify with Christians who walk in the path of righteousness and profess Jesus as their lord and personal savior. I love peaceful neighbors, I love all tribes in Uganda who know their history and adhere to their cultures. I love Uganda. Shit I love myself. I love me. If you don’t believe me, fuck you. You are a dickhead.