I was a small boy, very small boy back in ’90. It was Xmas of 1990
when my mom took us to a children’s party at the golf course. I still
remember this like it was yesterday. Obrien was the little boy with the
mischievous smile and chipped teeth who spoke with a bourgeois lisp. He
sat on a stool and played that first noel song-his adept fingers
chipping away at the strings of his guitar. The result was a medley of
tunes that stayed with most of us kids at the party for the rest of our
lives. We developed a love, a passion for the guitar. Many years later
even during my adolescent years in St Leo’s, I would quite often catch
myself staring at guitars in a musical shop through their big glass
display windows. When I learnt Luganda, I was awed to learn that a
guitar was called Enanga. Enanga? Yes, Enanga, I learnt meant a guitar.
Much later on when I was older, I learnt that emphatically, a enanga
also meant a douchebag- Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and
asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker status. A few
years ago, Enanga rose to fame as the eloquent spokesman for the
delinquent police force. His approach to public relations was suave and
differential. We all listened to him. We gave him audience even though
our respect for the police force was long lost. Even when Enanga lied
through his teeth and we knew he was lying, we gave him the benefit of
the doubt because his dulcet tones soothed our wounded souls.
Since the inception of the last concluded presidential polls, through
the People’s president incarceration –all the way up through the hate
speeches, the botched Amama petition and the Post Election violence in
Kasese, we have had a fair share of Enanga’s doctored versions of
events. The dull and false drone of his voice recounts of events in and
about the country now reeks with acrid stench. We now mute the sound or
flip the channel each time his large, grizzly face flashes on the news.
I find myself muting the sounding and watching his extraordinarily
large jaws open and close. Always- the image of a praying mantis feeding
on another smaller insect springs to my mind. Could it be that Enanga
downgraded to enanga? How is it so easy that even a smart, brilliant man
like him could be easily compromised and downgraded to the same low
thinking level of douches like Bebe Cool and Bukenya? Do you all want to
place the blame on the Leopard as well? Well, it seems that the Leopard
is a celebrated virtuoso in those peripherals.
There
are things that don’t carry any meaning to me anymore. Matter of fact,
lets drop all the courtesy and emphatics, there are things under this
current regime that I don’t give a flying fuck about. I’ll tell you some
of these things:-
Indicator lights from a Taxi driver
or from a boda boda rider mean nothing to me-Just like farts from these
fat ass chics. Those low life idiots that make turns without indicating
or sometimes indicate to the left when their intension is to turn to the
right. I don’t give a flying fuck about those low-life scum bags.
Religious leaders…Lord have mercy…I don’t give a hoot about these.
Religious leaders currently rank among the most untrustworthy persons in
society-I feel they only rival police officers for this position. The
other day, untold amounts of bootleg alcoholic brands were found at one
of the major city pastor’s house, then another pastor was said to have
been sodomising young male folk in the church. We heard that the Mufti
connived with the government to sell off property belonging to the
Moslem fraternity in Uganda…on a separate occasion, a Mufti went on a
rant publicly excommunicating a sheikh from the religion? Aha, one
pastor in my neighborhood, the pastor fucks his sheep. The traditional
religious priests practice human sacrifices and several other ungodly
acts. These so called religious leaders are now in cahoots with the
errant government to fleece and milk dry the already poor citizens.
Leaders…isn’t that what they call themselves? I call them crooks. All
the way from the top to the bottom-Elton Mabirizi in his own words said,
from the top to down there…down there. They are all rogue. They lie
through their stinking teeth and steal from the poor tax payer and yet
they still claim to be doing whatever they do in the best interest of
all the citizens. I curse them all! I truly don’t give a tinker’s damn
about them anymore.
Telecom companies are the Tupac
Shakur’s of the current Thug Life crews in Uganda. They will take every
single individual opportunity to steal from you the subscribers. I will
not talk about unaccounted for losses the subscribers have suffered in
the hands of these thugs under the Mobile money platform. They have
voice bundles they sell at Ugx. 1000 whose validity should last 24 hours
but in practice last only a few hours after purchase. Your airtime
vanishes anytime and their internet packages behave like
Hoodini-appearing after you pay and playing disappearance tricks on you
when you most need it. Here’s the catch, you can never reach these
Telecom company Customer service centers. If you are very lucky to call
those numbers and reach them, after waiting half an hour in the queue
you will be told that the system isn’t yet updated so they can’t verify
your claim. They then ask you to call back in 24 hours and when you do,
you are talking to another clueless, ill-trained and poorly paid
customer service advisor who will tell you the same crap-load the last
one told you. So here the cycle continues and they get richer every day
and you never get your hard-earned money’s worth of service. These
Telecom companies are the first to Congratulate H.E the President on his
counterfeit win in sham polls in full page decorative messages in the
daily gazettes. I don’t give a monkey’s butt about all of you telecom
thugs!
Do we have commercial banks in Uganda? I think we
have Commercial bandits instead. They loan you money and they start
acting like local money lenders pulling cheap tricks and juggling
widespread financial shenanigans that have ruined the fortunes of many
unsuspecting members of the public. Many a time, little sums of money
keep disappearing from your accounts and they sell you “no service” at
state-house rates. I once subscribed to Executive banking services from
the leading commercial bandit in Uganda and for four years, I got
nothing but shit from the Ntinda branch. The ratbag that was assigned to
handle my accounts was nothing short of a buffoon. Later in 2015 when
they couldn’t explain the disappearance of Ugx. 2.900.000 from my
account, I was advised by the same monkey-head to switch to another
service. I remember looking at the sorry, excuse of an accounts manager
and seeing a two-day-old lump of baboon crap crowned with a million
flies and roaches. I don’t give a fuck about all you commercial bandits
with radiant logos and advertisement memes!
The list is
long, I could go on and on…but here’s more of them, Taxi conductors,
hawkers, sham traders, parents in law who ask for 10 fold more than
their daughter’s actual worth, Chinese products….am gasping…the list
goes on-But you tell me more!
Think about it this way:
if you live in a country with a small almost worthless currency -- call
it a penny -- what would you mean if you said "I would not give you a
penny for this"? You would say you don't care for it. Same for "I don't
give X for Y" -- you would not exchange even X (usually something
fanciful, worthless, and obscene, as here) for Y. So do you understand
what I mean when I say I don’t give a flying fuck about so many
thingamabobs in this banana republic?
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